trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
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I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
How software testing works
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.