Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
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Florida man
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
so, is there a mister shapen head
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.