I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
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I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
i wish we could shoplift online
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”