[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
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“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”