me working on my assignments ^-^
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I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.