6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
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[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
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Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”