Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
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1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
For those that worship cheese..
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”