When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
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Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.