I’m a:
鈿猰an
鈿獁oman
馃敇cowboyOn a:
鈿猻kateboard
鈿猚arpet
馃敇steel horseI:
鈿猻hred
鈿猣ly
馃敇rideI’m wanted (wanted):
馃敇dead
馃敇alive
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My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn鈥檛 trending anymore*Monkey鈥檚 paw finger curls up*
Someone: you鈥檙e the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I鈥檓 not the teacher.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they鈥檙e still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
gm
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Leaving the Barbers like
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I鈥檒l see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
My kids do not talk to me like I鈥檓 their best chance of an organ donation.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That鈥檚 just how Julius Caesar.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.