50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
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I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I was just discussing this with my cat
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.