*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
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What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
B
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
happy valentine’s day to me
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.