Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
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Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows