My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
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[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Fat chances are my favorite chances
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage