[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
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Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.