I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
You Might Also Like
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I’m having an out of money experience.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Can’t stop laughing
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”