When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
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Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Woke up against my better judgment again
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food