Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
You Might Also Like
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
You can’t rush stupid.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?