lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
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How I like cutting carbs
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I don’t get marriage
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this