Sweet. Free refrigerators!
You Might Also Like
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Sell your car
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese