Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
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I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.