mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
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Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
somebody come look at this
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
The news
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Truth