When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
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I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.