[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
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I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My kitchen overserved me.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Where’s my employee discount too?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
eggs benadryl
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.