The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
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I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry