Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
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“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
The struggle is real.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.