By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
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finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I told my vodka about you.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account