Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
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I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”