I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
haha same
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.