If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
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Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know