I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
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Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*