I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
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Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!