me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
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I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.