How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
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Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
R.I.P.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Fries, not lies.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.