I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.