280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
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I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.