I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
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I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
the simulation is moving too fast