Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
You Might Also Like
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.