[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
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Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I have never related to anyone more.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.