Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
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[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.