[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
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My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Finally
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.