COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
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Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order