if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
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My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I’ve had worse
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.