Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
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soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.