[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
You Might Also Like
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
A ghost story
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”