Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
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I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?