Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
You Might Also Like
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Good Morning.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks