Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
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Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol