– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
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“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.