have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
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The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.