Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
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she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
okay so let鈥檚 say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn鈥檛 home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Things that don鈥檛 exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 馃幎 I’m too sexy for my shirt 馃幎 Too sexy for my shirt 馃幎
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they鈥檙e not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Don鈥檛 talk to me until after I鈥檝e had my breakfast beer
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
My guardian angel deserves a raise
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
馃槀馃槀馃槀
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?